I think I have to re-name this blog, make it more "spicy" sounding

Here are the highlights of my first week in Montreal:

I get lost on le metro. 

Hasidic children form a line on the sidewalk and silently salute their father on the other side of the street. The father then climbs on top of the family car and takes a huge conch-shell out of his coat pocket- and blows it (making a thunderous foghorn sound throughout the city that no one on the street seems to notice but me). Despite my Jew-ish roots, I have no clue what's going on.

 I get lost on le bus. 

A man in shorts and smoking a cigar at 11 in the morning tries to sell me on an apartment right out of Animal House- complete with empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans for decorating and mid-30 year old unshaven boys eating cold pizza and watching reruns of Entourage on the stained fuscia couch for roommates.  When I decline the offer he confesses that the "fine dining restaurant" he had earlier told me he owned was actually a "trap to exploit American tourists like me by selling horrible 'American Style' cuisine aka: with bacon on everything".  He shows me one of his restaurant's laminated place settings picturing a technicolor map of the United States you might find in your 4th grade history class and I immediately fall for him. 

I get lost on the street. 

ALOT:

 I go looking for the Apple Store to buy a laptop (on the fancy street 1600 St. Catherine) and end up on 1600 St. in the gay GAY Village. I burst crying into a middle-aged gay couple's patisserie shop who lets me wipe my tears away with one of his delicious croissants and recommends I take a left past the dildo n things shoppe across the street. 

I visit another apartment and it becomes immediately clear that the roommate who came before me was either a dominatrix homicidal maniac or a dentist from the dark ages because the blood red (communist red, big sharpee red) room is up to the brim with jars full of unidentifiable floating objects, francis bacon paintings hang from the walls, and a saw (I can only hope it's a musical one!) is nailed to the doorway. I tell the seller I just don't think I could live up to that and leave. 

But all this aside Montreal is amazing! Besides the incredible arts and culture scene, the friendly people, and that french but not TOO french european flair- there are bagel shops on every corner just like starbucks in america! And in the end, is there anything better than bagels?